Breaking The Silence
Peter’s journey to fatherhood wasn’t a straight path—it wound through mistakes, shame, and quiet struggles. For years, he kept silent about the challenges that defined him, from neglecting his own well-being to waging wars against self-love and worth.
By breaking his silence and voicing these challenges out loud, Peter discovered the power of community. Speaking his struggles aloud transformed shame into confidence, turning his past mistakes into fuel for today's purpose. Today, it's to be a grateful father—not because the journey was easy, but because without it, there is no—this!
My Story
Hey, I’m Peter or Shuffle, depending on when and where you met me, and I grew up in a world of women—five sisters and no brothers. When asked about my hometown, I call it splitzies between Springville (7 to 14-years-old) and Mapleton (14 to 22-years-old). Which is great, cause my favorite season is Spring and favorite flavor is Maple. But in these quaint Mormon neighborhoods where everyone seemed to know my name, no one ever truly knew me. Because how could they? I didn't actually-----know myself.
Being the only son came with the passing comment here and there, about being in charge of passing on the family name, cause tradition, right? And the reality I personally grew up in had my whole path laid out for me from birthday to death day. It went something like: Birth, birthdays then baptism; more birthdays, puberty, porn and then priesthood; high school, mission, college. WIFE!; college, work, KID, more work, maybe a vacation; KID, work, KID, work, KID and work...
MORE KIDS... and eventually heaven... well, hopefully. If I earned it. But no one tells you how complicated that journey can be when you grow up with only one homie in the hammock and an actually not-so-rare dose... of male infertility. (It's called a Balanced Translocation... look it up.)
My childhood was a mix of playful chaos and quiet moments of escape, as pressures gradually mounted. I chased Pokémon like they were real, holding onto the adventures as if they would be my only ones. It was easier than facing the real world at times. As I grew older, I found myself believing in and inspired by the teachings of Jesus, wanting to live a life that mattered, but always failing as I misunderstood—perfect. I would soon find joy in my namesake connection to our friendly neighborhood webslinger. His stories reflected my desire to do good and be like Christ. But also! To have fun, and look cool while doing it. He was my modern-day, relatable example of what it means to be Christ-like. This led me into a desire to serve a mission for my church. "In Italy," lucky me!
It's there where I stumbled into Marvel Comics for the first time among... other... magazines.
Into my twenties, I watched the MCU unfold, finding unexpected mentors in the fictional narratives of what it means to be a superhero. These stories emerged from the imagination and brilliance of two men—Stan and Steve—with characters who struggled through their own human (AND Alien) trials. Yet!... They always seemed to find a way to rise above them because of what they chose to believe in.
The truth is, I didn’t always rise. I struggled in silence for yearrrs! Poor dental hygiene led to painful root canals, fallen crowns, embarrassing teeth and the years of shrinking myself in shame. Speaking of shame. My porn chapter began back at the age of 12 and then the self-hatred started to tag along with it. When infertility hit, it felt like the final blow. It was hard to see myself as anything but broken. Alcohol became an escape from my mind. But my body can only handle so much. My future began to fade, as though I, myself, had been blipped.
It wasn’t until I broke the silence on all of these struggles—telling the truth about my shame, my addiction, my failures—that I found the will to evolve... to reroute destinations. It wasn’t easy. But... it also wasn't all hard. I began to remember my childhood but with theee BEST ... memories from that time. And they felt real again, and the emotions that came with them. It led me to the one thing my childhood needed most, more time with my dad. Now, I’m the father of a beautiful boy named Parker, a calling I never thought I’d receive, so I know now, more than ever, that BEing a daddd is the BEst thinggg...... I. can. be.
I’ve written about this journey in my book, Peter Jay Parker. It is a Genesis Legacy about fatherhood. Specifically mine with my father Jay, and me as the father to Parker. It is a bizarre mosaic of personal history and ideas—anecdotes too—about resilience, shame, and the lessons I’ve learned from the reality I've so far experienced. I want to share these stories with you, not because they’re neat and tied up with a bow, but because they’re messy, raw, and real. My hope is that by telling my story to you, you'll find something you can relate to and we'll both know that we're a little bit less alone when things get hard.
So, if you’ve ever felt like your path wasn’t straight, or that you were too flawed to make it through the mess, I invite you to read my book. It’s not just my story anymore—it's ours.
